who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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