I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
