Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
