Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
