she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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