"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
