Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
