I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
