i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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