Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
