I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
