Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
