Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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