I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
