Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
