this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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