Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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