Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
