There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
