dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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