I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
