wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
