Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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