i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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