can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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