I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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