Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
