If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
