hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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