im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
