the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
