So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
