Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
