he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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