The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
