i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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