I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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