hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
