Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
