Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
