i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
