I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
not ubering you a puppy
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
