Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
