I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
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Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My dick has a subreddit
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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