she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
