tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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