i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
