I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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