I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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