thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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