Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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