but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
