I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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