I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
