I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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