Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
