The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
