Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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