If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
