how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
